By Al Kahol Email Author Copyright 17/04/2005
Ebay, I'm afraid I can't do that

"Darn you Ebay!

With your ability to perpetuate 'get rich quick schemes' and such, morons are selling crap to make money. Not only that, but it proves that no matter someone's intelligence it is possible to make money by doing something with no actual skill or merit in any way whatsoever. A good example of this in the music world is Blink 182. Never has the molestation of instruments sounded so awful, but to the crowd of wannabe skater-punk 13 year olds (and younger) it sounds great to their developing ears. Or maybe they don't have the maturity to accept swear words in a song and accept it. "Tee-hee, the funny man in the song is swearing. When I grow up I want to be just like him." Of course that swearing one day turns to cocaine and one person is left laughing at the others. Me.

From that little diversion, my attention (and by extention your attention, because you're reading this) turns to Mary Anderson from Hobart, Indiana. Her 6 year old son Collin had been so terrified of his Grandfather's ghost(TM) that he was afraid "the ghost would return someday. Anderson said Collin has avoided going anywhere in the house alone since his grandfather died last year" (from - and I'm not lying). To combat this case of 'small children doing moronic things and getting sympathy' Mary decided to put the ghost and the Grandfather's metal walking cane up on Ebay. The cane was also auctioned so that the highest bidder would have a tangible artifact to show how gullible they are.

"I always thought it was just normal kid fears until a few months ago he told me why he was so scared. He told me 'Grandpa died here, and he was mean. His ghost is still around here!"'

Mary believes Collin about the fact that the old man was a big meanie, however to try and not scare away potential bidders, she said "My dad was the sweetest most caring man you'd ever meet." Me smells the sickly scent of false advertising. However, that's a different story.

There was one last request of the winner bidder. "I would like to ask you to write a letter after you've received the cane (and the ghost) to my son letting him know that he's there with you and you're getting along great." I believe though, that this will make Collin feel like even more of a reject. His own grandfather's ghost is happier with a complete stranger than with him.
That's real uplifting.

"...the proceeds from the auction will go to buy Collin a special present" is the official word from Mary Anderson. After the cane and ghost sold for $78 after 34 bids, Collin will get quite a gift. I just hope it's a $78 slap upside the head, because that's basically all he deserves. The real losers here are the winning bidder and Collin's grandfather. The winning bidder has effectively been scammed out of $78 buckaroos and of course the grandfather. When the memory of all you worked for and all you have left to be remembered by is worth $78, it's one of those "He'd be spinning in his grave" moments.

So if you're driving through Hobart, Indiana and there's a large whirlpool in one of the cemetaries, you know why.

Moving to another Ebay related showing of stupidity, we move to the man who sold a piece of breakfast cereal that barely resembled the lovable alien from ET, for $1,035 australian (about $805US)

Chris Doyle, the fool (who is now richer than I am) that actually thought it could make money said, "I just didn't think it would go this far" and also went onto say, "I was just trying to find someone who feels the same way about ET as they do about the Virgin Mary,"

Putting religion and breakfast cereals in the same sentence. That's sure showing respect.

The natural progression from here is of course the 'Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich' which sold for $28,000US.
After grilling up herself a snack Diana Duyser took one bite and realised that somehow in a piece of white bread (white bread also being a metaphor for her life), covered in cheese, she had witnessed divine intervention.

Cooked 10 years ago, it was quickly put in a clear plastic box, surrounded by cotton balls and sat proudly on her nightstand.

Firstly, it doesn't look like the Virgin Mary. The Virgin Mary is after all, an artist's conception. No one did a portrait of her when she existed (if she existed at all, but that can be discussed around the dinner table). However even so, that face staring back up at me from the grilled cheese does not look like the Virgin Mary. Is Diana Duyser a moron? Most likely yes.

The first time the sandwich was placed on Ebay, it fetched $22,000US before Ebay officials removed the listing. It was given the green light to be relisted, but this new listing is filled with obvious spelling errors (sort of like this article). The reason I find this to prove that Mrs. Duyler is a dumbass, is that if you know that something you are about to write is to be seen by thousands (especially in the case of this ebay listing), it should be free of obvious spelling errors. After all, it wouldn't kill her to give her listing a quick proof-read.

Yet, with the probable knowledge that this new listing would again be successful, Diana Duyler mentioned things like, "disingration", "potiental", "potinetal" (spelling the same word wrong, differently two times backs my case nicely), "phenomon" and "ridiclous" among others that aren't so obvious.

Generally stupid people will believe anything that gives their dull little lives any glitter. She even believes that the sandwich has helped her in gambling. "...a miracle, people ask me if I have had blessings since she has been in my home, I do feel I have, I have won $70,000 (total) on different occasions at the casino near by my house, I can show the recipts to the high bidder if they are interested..." (from the Ebay listing - I also believe that there is an 'e' in receipts)

The casino is near her house. A poorly educated person looking to make a quick buck would frequently visit a casino. To win $70,000 from constant gambling in a 10 year period isn't that great. Sure, she may have had a little luck, but if God was involved, she should have won millions.

Just to prove that everyone involved in the selling and buying of this item is stupid, I leave you with this. "I would like all bidders to know that this item is not intended for consumption, it is intended for collectable purposes only" I'm sure many people are glad that they didn't bid $28,000 for a 10 year old, grilled cheese sandwich so that they could eat it while watching re-runs of Friends.

I am often annoyed when people who do not possess a great deal of talent or skill become more successful in a particular field that someone who does possess that talent. "You're wearing the right clothes and have a snappy haircut. Sure, you can't act, but we'll cast you in a silly show aimed at people in the 18-25 age bracket and you'll be a star!" "You play bass as well as I clean toilets Mr. Hoppus. How about playing with those Blink 182 guys and make millions by only playing 3 notes. I hear 13 years olds love only 3 notes" Despite this, at least those hacks are out there performing (feebly). But someone who finds a piece of breakfast cereal or thinks that they can sell a ghost over the internet are much, much worse.

Making money without talent is one thing, making money when you've got nothing to offer (except crap) is almost a crime.


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